The Strength of Hormones!

Today the hormones are going crazy - I am baby hungry. Why you ask when you hear about all of my complaints and tired I am. Today the Husband gets his vasectomy. We have discussed it, agreed upon it, and obviously we have acted on it but now that the day is here I am in a little bit of a panic. It makes no rational sense so I am blaming it on hormones and countless generations before me that tells my genes to want more kids. So when I think about it rationally what do I like about it?

-Pregnancy - no not at all. The first one seemed like forever. The second was fast but I was sick the whole time.
-Delivery - Honestly the first was a little traumatic but the second was so easy. So not my favorite thing to do but I think I could handle another one of those. But at the same time something could go wrong.
-Breast feeding - NO! I am less than 2 months away from finally retiring my body as a vessel for other's use and let me tell you - I can't wait!
-Waking up every 3 hours to feed someone for months - don't want to do it!

There are a million other things that I don't want to do but honestly I want another baby. I love the babies! Before I had kids I wasn't sure if I wanted them at all and honestly I had them because the thought of not having them and suddenly wanting them and being too old was scarier than having them. So here I am with two kids and desperately I want another one but I know that isn't a rational thought at all. It is just hard to think about the fact that never again in my life I will have suck complete access to a baby. How many other people are you allowed that much closeness to without it being weird? You can hold them pretty much all of the time, kiss them as much as you want, I love to rub their soft little skin, and I love to hold them and watch them sleep. Maybe there will be grandchildren at some point but still there isn't that same bond. There are times when it is so hard that you are the only one that can help make your baby stop crying but there are other times when it is so nice. Sitting the dark with a baby sometimes is the best thing in the world.

I think the other problem I am having is that a chapter of my life is closing. So far this has been the hardest one. There are days when I wish I was back in college because I can sleep in but honestly I am really happy with my life. College had a lot of drawbacks. I can't think of the last time I wanted to be single again so getting married so closing the chapter on my single life and opening one for my married life wasn't hard at all.

So I lift my wine glass to a long week of bags of peas and kids screaming that they want to see Dada who is locked in the room with a beer, video games, and pain pills. I just hope I am not in there with him by the end of the week.