Processing a loss

My friend Janina died last week in her sleep. I found out via email at work. I had sent her email asking her for her new address because I wanted to send her our holiday card and I also wanted to find out when she was going to be in Boston around the holidays because we were supposed to get together. I sent the email off thinking nothing of it and I received an email back with the subject Tragic News. I didn't read it right away - I assumed the tragic news was that she wasn't able to make it to Boston for the holidays or that she was already so booked seeing people that maybe we wouldn't be able to see each other. However when I opened the email and I read it I was in a state of shock. It was from her husband Brad telling me that Janina had passed away in her sleep from unknown causes and that there would be a service this weekend. I was at work at the time so I really didn't want to have much of a reaction - I prefer to leave personal issues at home and not bring them into the office unless they are really affecting my worklife. I teared up after reading the email about 5 or so times - it took a little bit of time for it to settle in but at the same time it never really did and I am confused by this. I have been reviewing this in my mind for about a week and I can't find the reason why I am almost like an emotionally void person when it comes to sorrow and sadness right now. I have been like this since Murdoch was born. I chalked it up to being tired and so many other things going on but I would think that would have passed by now. My other thought was that since Janina moved to LA we definitely haven't talked as much and we barely see each other. So maybe it is that because I don't see her except maybe once a year this doesn't exactly affect my day-to-day life. I know that sounds horrible and I hate to even say it but right now I think I am still processing the fact that she has passed away because it doesn't seem like that could have actually happened. Janina is one of the happiest, generous, and outgoing people I know so of all people death just doesn't work with how I see and feel about her.

It does make you realize how short life can be. Janina was younger than me, only married two years, and had so much in front of her. Sometimes you get caught up in a day in day out rut and it is things like this that makes you remember and realize that you really need to get out there and stuff putting things off that you wanted to do because you may not be able to do them. Even if you can just do a few smalls things. I am going to try and do that in 2008.

Thank you for listening to this post. I am feeling a bit hallow around this whole subject and I just wanted to write a little bit down about it. And I think it has helped - I am finally able to get past my eyes just tearing up. Maybe this is why we have services and funerals - it makes the situation more real and it gives you a venue to express your feelings.

Here is a link to her obituary.